Apple announced today that they will begin charging an extra fee through all service providers if you have children under the age of seven. The fee is formally called, the “Lazy Shitty Parent Fee.”
“We’re sick and tired of raising an entire generation of toddlers and not getting compensated for it.” Says Tim Cook, CEO of Apple. “Look around you. How many kids whine and cry, ‘wehhh, let me play games on your phone mommy or daddy,’ and how many times do those parents give in? Studies show 95% of the time. How many times do parents use our Apple products as a crutch to avoid parenting? Studies show 96% of the time. So, Apple is done with being stepped on and being used. We’re charging the fee whether people like it or not. Don’t want to discipline your kid or tell them no? Fine, give us money then, we’ll gladly take it.”
When asked about whether or not the good parents of society will be charged, the answer was yes.
“Look, I’m sorry. It’s all or none. Maybe if the good parents out there are charged as well, there will be incentive for them to speak up to the shitty parents out there who don’t talk to their kids and let their kids play candy crush all day long.”
Apple says they know that this fee will not change the parenting of all shitty parents, so with the money Apple makes from the Lazy Shitty Parent Fee they plan on developing an app that will actually raise your kid for you.
“It’s vital. We need this app for kids out there who have shitty parents. Instead of them playing games all day and learning nothing, they will get the chance to have someone speak to them and teach them things, kind of like a Siri figure but more loving. This Siri figure will teach them spelling and numbers along with how to not be a shitty parent themselves one day. I think it gives our society as a whole a lot more hope than if we didn’t develop this child rearing App.”
The Fee is set to begin in the next few months.
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