Outside an astronomically massive white marble home lay drunken men in the nude, passed out in their own vomit; women running around in nothing but veils while being chased by drunkards; confetti, streamers and glitter litters the entire yard and all of its statutes. This place is located in heaven and is a common scene at the home of the Muslim Prophet, Muhammad, and Christian leader, Jesus. For almost 1400 years they have lived together as roommates, and throughout those years, Muhammad has thrown keg party after keg party for his Muslim followers, almost on the daily. Today, Muhammad is throwing his most recent party for the Bombers of Belgium, and today, Jesus finally says enough is enough.
“I’m so sick and tired of Muhammad having these parties. Every time one of his followers blows themselves up or gives their life up for Allah, he rewards them with all of these virgins and all of this liquor. I can’t take it. Not only are people on earth dying prematurely, I can’t focus on my comeback to earth and this is what I have to deal with. I can’t take it, I haven’t slept in years. We’re roommates and he has almost no respect for my wants and needs. He is constantly plugging up the toilet with his beer shits. It’s never ending plumbing problems for the angles.”
We asked Jesus why he doesn’t throw parties for his Christian followers that kill others, like the European/American terrorists that killed Native Americans. “That’s absurd. You know what happened to those dicks? They are rotting in hell. I don’t teach people to kill and be violent to people who don’t agree with them. Love thy neighbor, ever heard of it? The golden rule, ever heard of it? You blow somebody up? Get ready for hell, baby…. Look, You don’t understand what it’s like being me. I’m exhausted. People are constantly drinking my blood at communion like a bunch of vampires, and that alone leaves me light headed, wouldn’t you be tired? I just have to try and sleep, besides I’ve got a couple of baptisms to get to tomorrow. Christ, I was more comfortable living with Lucifer I think.”
While waiting outside the mansion to interview the Brussels bombers we were able to get a word in with one of the 9/11 attackers who was in attendance, “It’s a great day for Islam! We will shower these men with rivers of wine and virgin after virgin! Praise be to Allah!!!” The man was quick to remove himself from the situation, firing an golden AK-47 into the air and running into a cloud behind the mansion with a young girl.
After several hours of waiting, one of the Brussels Bombers finally appeared, he had lipstick all over his naked body and was drunk to the point of incoherence. We could not get a clear word out of him in his state. Eventually, the prophet Muhammad showed himself to drag the man back into the mansion. While with us for the brief moment, we asked Muhammad what he thinks about his treatment to his roommate Jesus. “Jesus mad about my parties? He’s not the best room mate either, I bet he talked about the plumbing problems didn’t he? Did he mention the elephant shits he drops? Or, did he tell you that he dumps his fucking bacon grease down the sink? He knows how much that pisses me off. Maybe if he wasn’t such a prude and was willing to get rid of that pussy easter bunny he wouldn’t feel like he does. He needs to get real and grow up.”
We were unable to interview any more Muslim terrorists that night, but the one thing we know for sure is, the parties are going to continue and Jesus isn’t going to get much sleep. Please Like and Share to support healthy roommate relationships.